Welp...herpes.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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