Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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