I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
