If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
