we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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