That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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