Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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