Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
