Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
