what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
