He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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