Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
