my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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