If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
