My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
