My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
