We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
