My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dicks are not precious.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
