if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
