Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
