pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
