the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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