His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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