grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
