i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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