AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
