I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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