Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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