Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So many bounce houses so little time
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
