I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
