I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
