Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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