I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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