i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
