I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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