The maid of honor just puked.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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