My liver just broke up with me...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
