that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
