dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
