apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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