I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
