I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think i have two assholes
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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