I think my vagina is haunted
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
