I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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