I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
