I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
