Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
