got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Randomize
