If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We got so high we made milksteak
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
