Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
