I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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